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OK readers, I got one (1) hate mail (can you believe it?) for writing this "diatribe" after it's been on the site for over 4 years and I have recieved about a thousand positive emails saying how much you enjoyed reading it. So if you're that one person in a thousand... I feel compelled to warn you; PLEASE, If you don't have a sense of humor, can't laugh about yourself or others, or are inclined to be offended easily by what sometimes may seem like demeaning, rude or even cruel jokes about real tourists or if you're offended by politically incorrect humor, biting sarcasm, cutting cynisism or can't handle making fun of people in general, please, please go find a tamer page. It is not my intent to offend anyone. No way! I'm a sensitive guy. We're all human and we all make stupid gaffes at times, even me, (but very few). This was all written in fun, with lots of input from lots of people (without the use of any four letter words), and well, if you don't see it as fun, that's just too bad. I tried to warn you. Any humiliating experience from here on out is strictly your own fault. Please try to keep it light. :-)
1. Alaska is the 49th State and uses US Currency for all public and private commerce, just like the rest of the United States.
2. All cruises to Alaska are via the Inside Passage, an ocean route protected from the big Pacific Ocean swells by a chain of islands that extend from Washington State to the Gulf of Alaska.
3. The Inside Passage is part of the Pacific Ocean--it is not a river or a lake.
4. "Sea Level" refers to the mean sea level. This is the calculated average height of the ocean from which all terrestrial elevation levels are measured.
5. The Aurora Borealis or "Northern Lights" is not a man-made laser light show. It is a natural phenomenon caused by (simple explanation) solar radiation bombarding the earth's outer atmosphere.
6. Alaskans live in Alaska all year round; hence the term "Alaskan."
7. Glaciers are like huge (although very slow-moving) rivers of ice that grind down whole mountains over eons of time. As a glacier slowly moves, it breaks off and grinds up rock and dirt which gets mixed into the body of the glacier. This gives a glacier the appearance of being dirty, especially on its edges where it has the most physical contact with the mountains.
8. Tides make the water surface rise and fall twenty or more feet along most of Alaska's coastline. There are two high tides and two low tides per 24-hour period. Tides are caused by a combination of the earth's rotation and the effects of the gravitational pull of the sun and moon on the earth. The water in the oceans is influenced by gravitational pull much more than solid land, causing the ocean levels to rise and fall.
9. Listen up RVers! You cannot get here from there unless you take the ferry. All of Southeast Alaska except for Haines and Skagway is inaccessible by any road system. Even the state capital, Juneau, has no road connected to it. The Alaska Marine Highway System has scheduled ferry service for vehicles and passengers heading for Alaska from Bellingham, Washington and Prince Rupert, British Columbia, Canada. We get around from place to place here by boat or airplane.
10. Islands don't float. They're connected to the planet just like continents. And "continental drift" does not mean the continents are floating around like corks.
11. Winters in southern Southeast Alaska are generally less severe than New England winters. Winter temperatures in the upper Mid West are often colder than in Anchorage.
12. Alaska has more hours of sunlight in the summer, and like everywhere else, there are still only twenty four hours in a day.
13. 99.9% of Alaskans speak English and 99.9% of Alaskans are friendly.
14. "People in Ketchikan look just like the people in Seattle." What a shocker!
15. Alaska has more licensed aircraft pilots per capita than anywhere else in the world.
16. No one knows why salmon jump, but everyone has his own theory.
17. The average rainfall in Ketchikan, Alaska is over 13 feet a year. The only wetter place known is the island of Kauai, Hawaii.
18. There are more bald eagles in Southeast Alaska than in all of the lower 48 states.
19. It's a documented fact: the Alaska Department of Fish and Game and the Interior Department of the US have determined that the Alaska pipeline has benefited the caribou. The oil is warmed to flow through the pipe. The caribou enjoy this heat source, which helps them conserve body heat and the vital energy needed for surviving the harsh cold climate. They've even been photographed giving birth next to it. Caribou might be just dumb animals but apparently they're not stupid. Opponents of drilling in America's largest untapped energy source, ANWR, claim that a new pipeline will hurt caribou. Maybe if it fell on them?
20. Bringing small pets to Alaska is welcomed by the bald eagles, otters, bears, and other critters. It's been known for years that neighborhood cats and small dogs sometimes mysteriously disappear during times of when eagles' natural food supply is low. A tourist couple visiting Haines lost their chihuahua while pumping gas at a local filling station. Fido took a stretch and, well...poor little dog! If your pet is under 10 pounds, keep it on a leash, or it's (as we say in Alaska) "eagle bait".
21. Alaskans don't have to lie (but a few still do, usually fishermen), because everything here really is bigger. If Alaska divided itself in half, Texas would still only be the third largest state. Alaska would remain first and second in size.
22. The Cruise industry boom has dramatically changed downtown Ketchikan and shopping for an authentic Alaskan souvenir can be an outright bewildering task.
In the last few years, cruise destination communities like Ketchikan have attracted outside influences, mostly in the form of (non-Alaskan) jewelry businesses which have indelibly altered the character and charm of this once sleepy little fishing and logging town. At last count there were 45 jewelry stores in just the 4 block area of downtown where the ships tie up. Unfortunately the first time traveler might think the town was always like this, like maybe Ketchikan has always been one big jewelry store!
(There's hardly more than half a million people in the whole state. Don't quote me on this, but I think that's like one person for every 5 billion square miles). We have a resource based economy. We mine for gold, coal and oil mostly and we fish and harvest trees (at least we used to), and that's it. So if you want an authentic Alaskan souvenir, it will most likely be a piece of artwork or handicraft, native carving, Alaskan gold jewelry or some smoked salmon. Darn near just about everything else is either made in Taiwan or somewhere besides Alaska. As a general rule, most of the locally owned galleries and businesses that offer authentic souvenirs are back a block or two from the dock. (Our gallery, bead store is a rare exception to this because we reside on the second floor where the rent's still affordable).
Ketchikan was recently named one of the top 100 art communities in the US. We have scores of artists and craftspeople here and if you're buying an authentic piece of memorabilia often the person you are buying it from is the same person who made it! Stay away from the jewelry and curio stores and your chances go up dramatically of finding something authentically Alaskan and you'll help our local economy out at the same time.
You'd do yourself well, to do your own homework. Try not to be too influenced by your cruise director - he or she doesn't live here either and might just possibly be getting paid to tell you where to shop. They'll also warn you about thieves and pickpockets but there's never been a case of that in Ketchikan. This is a very friendly, close knit community and any local person will be happy to show you where to find whatever interests you. This is the sort of town, where if you lose your wallet in the street and a local person finds it, it will probably be returned to you with everything in it. Try that anywhere else! Just remember to put your name and address on those cameras. (We have more than we know what to do with now.) Heroic efforts are made every day in Ketchikan to return lost items to tourists before their ship has left town!
I'm sort of wandering some now, but I guess one upside of all this "alien" development for the tourist is that it's becoming less and less likely that you'll have an unexpected and unpleasant experience with a real Alaskan. Like having a burly, disheveled, smelly, drunken unemployed fisherman or logger falling into the sidewalk at your feet from the door of one of the once numerous and infamous saloons. The "lucky" passerby would then usually be assailed with some profanity laced accusation of the tourist being a member of the Sierra Club and told to go back where they came from - or someplace similar. This only recently used to be an all too common occurance while strolling the streets of Ketchikan. Those were the good 'ol days, but that's a whole book in itself and we'll just leave it at that for now.
23. If you're a hiker, or like to fish, or if you're planning to do anything in the woods while in Alaska, please be safe. The three easiest ways to kill yourself in Alaska are: drinking while boating, leaving the trail, and airplane accidents. Moral: Boat-Smart; Always be prepared to spend a few extra days, let someone know where you're going and how long you'll be gone; and if the weather isn't good, don't go.
Perhaps the most immediate potential for a bad time in the woods is to encounter a bear. Your life may depend on keeping a clear head. Never run from a bear--it could be fatal. You're safest in a group--the more the better. Make plenty of noise while hiking, so you don't surprise any bears; and remember that sound doesn't carry far in the woods. You're safer if the bears know where you are. Bears have poor eyesight and rely on hearing and smell to detect you. Often when they stand up, they're just trying to get a better smell or trying to see where you are. If you should see a bear, don't crowd it; give it plenty of space. Black bears might be scared away by yelling at them but brown bears are completely unpredictable, and you should treat them like you would any serial killer: Get as far away as you can (without running). Make noise and raise your arms to make yourself look bigger.
If charged by a bear, it is best to stand totally still, even if that means peeing in your shorts! Most bear charges are false and the bear will usually pull up a few feet short. This would be a good sign that the bear doesn't want you around, and you should leave as soon as you can, without running.
If you are actually attacked, your best hope is to curl up in a tight ball, covering your head with your arms and play dead. Escape from a brown bear is possible by climbing a very stout tree, since adult brown bears are usually too heavy for tree climbing, but there's no guarantee. Black bears, on the other hand, can climb a tree faster than you can fall out of one. And brown bears can outrun a quarter horse! Pepper spray is a definite must when traveling in bear country, probably much safer and effective than a gun, as the only thing more dangerous than a bear is a wounded bear.
24. Ketchikan is a great place with really friendly people but...okay, someone has to say this: USE THE #!*(%@+* CROSSWALK! I guarantee you: the fastest way to make yourself a target for road rage type abuse by the local population is not using the crosswalk. A little Ketchikan history: There didn't used to be thousands of tourists on the streets, and about half the population is resentful of tourists taking over the town in the summer. (They're already primed, so don't push their buttons). Ketchikan is built along a steep hillside and there is only one main (very busy) road. The town has hired a dozen or more crossing guards because of the hazard of so many tourists wandering around in the streets gawking at everything in sight, get a grip! C'mon, have you never seen a bald eagle fly down the street carrying a salmon before? You see, most residents feel they should be able to drive through their own town without unexpectedly running over tourists leaping into the street for a photo op. Or was it the "5000% OFF all Tanzanite Jewelry" sign that made you lose your marbles? Whatever, I mean, come on...doesn't the barricade you're climbing over to get into the street mean anything?!? You probably don't jaywalk at home, so don't do it here. If you knew just how bad some Ketchikan drivers are, you'd be extra wary, even while using a crosswalk! We run our own citizens over, just for something to do.
Don't Make These Mistakes
Here are some real questions and comments by real tourists. Believe it or not! These are all things we've personally heard or were heard by reliable witnesses. You can't make this stuff up:
Tourist woman overheard talking to a store clerk. "This trip is the longest I've ever been on, outside of the United States." We're all wondering why the US government has such a huge influence and presence in Alaska, and didn't she see the stars and stripes flying from every flag pole and boat in town?
"When is the longest day of the year here in Alaska?" asked a tourist from the lower 48.
"June 21st, the solstice" came the reply.
"Oh, here too?"
How long does it take for a deer to turn into a moose? Longer than you might think.
Reported from Skagway - At the Day's of 98 Show ticket counter a visitor asked "Is Robert Service really going to be here?" Upon being informed that he was dead, she countered, "But I saw his books." Anyone see Mark Twain around recently?
Tourist lady asked a local shop owner; "Can you tell me if there is a store around here that sells Woolly Mammoth wool? I'd like some to knit a sweater." (Um...the last mammoth wool-harvest was maybe six or eight thousand years ago, I'd guess. Maybe you should try further North, in a permafrost area, like the North Slope. If you've got a million dollars and all summer, you might be able to dig one up and then if you can figure out how to move it from the middle of nowhere and then get it past the BLM and Customs...did you want that wool with or without the hide attached?)
A tourist lady asked a local shop owner; "Tell me, how do you keep all these little islands from running into each other?" Each island has a built in collision avoidance system, how else?
Overheard on a cruise ship. "Oh miss! Does this elevator go to the front of the ship?" (Next question, please.)
From an anonymous worker who answers tourist's questions at the Juneau Convention and Visitor's Bureau: "A man called the main office for JCVB from Eureka, CA and asked what kind of power sources did we have in Alaska or did we still use kerosene lamps?" "Well, duh, how did he think he was talking to us - via tin can??"
A Tlingit Indian who gives local walking tours explaining Ketchikan's native history and heritage is constantly asked the question. "How long have you been an Indian?" (I give up. How long?)
Tourist lady: "Ma'am, can you tell me what time they turn on the lights?"
Alaskan: "What lights are those?"
Tourist lady: "Well, the Northern Lights of course". (Presumably this was her first trip outside the house.)
My wife (born in New Jersey, a "Navy Brat" who has lived all over the US), while waiting on a tourist lady, was told rather with a note of surprise, "You speak very well!" We're still trying to figure that one out. Was she expecting illiterate savages? Or maybe we're all supposed to speak Aleut?
Tourists ask this one frequently: "Do you take American money here?"
Alaskan: "Last time I checked, Alaska was still part of the United States."
Let's take a break, my face hurts from laughing. I don't know about you, but as I add more tourist profundities, I'm thinking more and more: I've known cabbages that had more sense. Who are these people? Where do they come from? Did they go to school? Do they vote? Have they propagated? Can this really be happening in a country where education is free? ( You get what you pay for?) Are any of them related to me? Yes they are, it's true!
Having been a guide myself, I thought this one was funny: From a Kenai river guide, I was told about the time he was running some fishermen/ tourists up river in his flat-bottomed jet boat. (These boats are able to run in a few inches of water.) All of a sudden, they bumped over a shallow gravel bar and kept on going. One of the fishermen looked up and asked, "Is it very deep there?"
A dog musher from Anchorage tells me she once had a tourist ask her where she'd bought her "wolf". She had been hiking into Kennecott with her lead dog Sher, who happens to be a blond, floppy eared Alaskan Husky. Well, since we all know that dogs are gentically indistinguishable from wolves, we'll give this tourist a pass, just this once. I think I'll call the local animal shelter and see if they have any of those blond, floppy eared "wolves" for adoption.
In a local bank recently, a tourist asked the teller if he could exchange his wad of U.S. currency for Alaska money. She politely took his money, counted it, and gave him back the same amount in U.S. currency from her drawer. He smiled cheerfully as he left the bank with his "Alaskan" money.
A man from out of town rented a skiff (a small boat) and tied it to a piling downtown. The tide was up when he did this. He needed a few things, so he went shopping, then wandered into a saloon where he must have dawdled a bit too long. Upon his return to the rented skiff, he was shocked to see it suspended in midair dangling from the rope he'd tied it up with. He exclaimed, "I'd heard that tides went out, but I didn't know they went down!" (Ketchikan's tides can vary twenty feet or more.)
Tourists often complain about the height of the dock when they get off their ship. Depending on whether it's high or low tide, you can hear comments like, "Why did they
build the dock so low?" or "Why did they build the dock so high?"
Then there was the lady who flew out to a local fishing resort in a float plane. They landed on salt water at low tide. Getting out of the plane and looking around at the high tide line, she says, "Oh you're having a drought, just like back home!"
A woman from Juneau, was in Nevada and told her girlfriend's boyfriend that she was from Alaska and he immediately said that it must be neat to live where they have 12 moons. After she asked him several different questions about the earth and how many moons the earth had and if Alaska was on another planet, he finally caught on. He must have seen a time lapse photo of the moon orbiting around the horizon above the arctic circle?
A lot of tourists arriving on cruise ships must have flunked geography in school. The most often-repeated questions: "What's the name of this river?" or "How big is this lake?" or "What's the name of this lake?"
Some people need signs on their foreheads. A woman got off her ship and stood on the dock. She asked a local stevedore, "Can you tell me how far above sea level we are?" He looked over the side of the dock and said, "Looks like about ten feet to me." (Here's your sign.)
Another lady was standing one block from and within plain view of the ship she'd arrived on. She stopped a local. "Excuse me, but could you tell me how to get to the cruise ship dock?"
The local pointed down the sidewalk to the ship and said, "It's right over there."
"Yes, but how do I get there?" (Beam me up, Scotty!)
I overheard a lady passenger on a cruise ship in Glacier Bay while observing a glacier exclaim, "Well, you'd think someone could have washed it, it's all dirty!" (Please, I can't take much more!)
A couple of executive types from out of town had chartered a fishing boat. One of them asked the skipper, "How do you deal with all the extra hours of sunlight in Alaska?"
"We have 48-hour clocks." replied the skipper.
One of the executives said, "That makes sense." (What company were you with again?)
A woman in Skagway, having just purchased a gold ring, asked the store-owner if the ring was waterproof. She was concerned because it was raining outside, and their next cruise destination was Ketchikan, where she heard it rained even more than in Skagway. (What??)
A woman asked my wife whether or not Killer Whales swim in this river? (Please, for the thousanth time, it's not a river! Did you arrive on a riverboat?) ( NEWS FLASH... As of summer 2003, it is now possible to get here on a Sternwheeler, riverboat style cruise vessel, but it's still not a river you get here on! We'll be watching the people that get off this boat very carefully.)
Then there were two poor Japanese guys who bought some "bear-repellent" (pepper spray), and flew out to a remote lake with a bush pilot for a few days of fishing. After unloading them and their gear, the pilot took off and flew by the two adventurers. He saw them waving and gesticulating wildly, so he flew around for another pass to see what was up. Apparently they were just applying "bear-repellent" to each other. (Finally: revenge for those VCR instructions).
Then there are some "off the boat" who didn't do their homework at all. It's a warm sunny summer day and hovering around 85 humid degrees. Down the gangway comes a lady dressed head to toe in fur--mink coat, fur hat, gloves, and boots. She was outfitted perfectly for winter survival in Fairbanks where it can get to minus-60 degrees or colder. Maybe she just never got the chance to wear that stuff where she was from?
The most common question is: What do you do here in the winter? We hibernate in our igloos until spring brings more tourists.
Please don't blame us if we seem grumpy near the end of tourist season!
Authored by,
Terry Pyles
editing, courtesy of
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